the backs of my knees itch. it's that phase of the sunburn, when the heat and swelling begin to subside, and my skin turns splotchy and itchy. but it was worth it.

wow, hawaii is my new favorite place in the world. it's beautiful, filled with mountains and ocean, blue skies, and lots to see and do. i swear, it's like some kid dreamed it up, and it became reality. some things are just funnily wonderful--like the rainbows on license plates, and the language that sounds like a made-up language because it consists of only 12 letters, and therefore has a simpler, redundant sound without R's, T's, B's, D's, G's, etc, to wrestle with. hopefully none of this is offensive.

anyways, the pace of life, the abundant shoreline, sweet pineapples, and friendly people. a lovely vacation. and for my short week there, i declined to dwell on any of the more sobering aspects of hawaii--social injustice, pearl harbor, water shortage and waste excess. i hiked, snorkeled, learned to surf (sort of), swam, and soaked up the sunrises and sunsets. i really think that kind of beauty in nature heals those jagged ragged edges inside you.

so i only got to see oahu, since that's where my friend's staying. but i dearly want to return to see the big island and kauai. and i'm hooked on surfing. wow, that was such fun! i love that you don't have to be a hard-core surfer to enjoy surfing, but that you can actually have a lot of fun after you learn just a little bit. and picking up the little bit is very do-able.

well, gotta run along and sleep. off night shift, another one tonight. but no worries. i should be smiling through the night, bc my job afforded me the opportunity to see hawaii. i'll be humming israel kamakawiwo'ole while making my trips to the ER.

feeling pissy. not the right way to really start off the new year. usually when i'm cranky, it's bc i'm hungry. friends who know me well, know to feed me when i start getting fussy. but i just had breakfast.

i was going to try to revamp my page just a little bit, since i've left it dead for months and months, but they've changed things w/ my webhosting so i can't use telnet anymore to edit. since i remain as computer clueless as ever, i guess that means no change in format, though, i bet using the web interface is easy if i would just spend a few minutes poking about.

but, i felt like posting. must be because it's a new year.

i've been getting those holiday photos i love. every year, there seem to be more of them in the mail--you know, the family shot w/ holiday greetings on it. so every year you can kind of watch the kids get bigger, etc. for many years, i only got one of these every year from helen and rich--an older couple from high school church days. and i watched it go from portraying one kid, to two, to three, and now they get bigger and bigger every photo. anyways, i loved getting them bc i don't get to see them with any frequency. so it's nice.

this year, i got...maybe seven? including one from my brother. they're all on my fridge. but it's crazy, how many of my friends have babies now. and i'll be quite frank. i'm envious.

i never thought i'd be in any sort of hurry to have kids, but in the last couple of years, i guess i feel very left out. and hearing of other women in the medical field who put off starting families bc of their training, and had trouble conceiving, or else were getting amniocentesis, etc, etc, makes me worry. it's time to get in a hurry. i want a fair shot at having a couple of healthy kids. at this rate, the odds will not be so favorable.

oh well. my poor mom is at wit's end. every visit home, i basically have to brace myself mentally for the inevitable onslaught.

well, i leave for ecaudor jan 11. it feels like forever since i've gone overseas. i haven't been good about preparing for this trip mentally, spiritually, practically. i'm hoping for a LOT of grace. i feel a little on the verge of getting hopelessly lost and remote from someone i was 10 years ago. it seems like i have more in memories of a spiritual life than in my actual spiritual life. like, i still remember how to pray, i still remember the culture, remember where verses are from when i learned them years ago. but this all feels old.

it's what happens when you get involved w/ someone who's not a believer. tk said it so accurately--that one thing is central in your life, and everything else is peripheral. and if God is not central, then He is peripheral.

well, here's to a new year. welcome 2008.

whoa...someone has to show me how to put photos on that are normal sized. i haven't touched this site in so long. need to clean it up and renovate. maybe in upcoming year? we'll see.

such a cutie!

my nephew is cuter in person than in photos. it's amazing. anyway, i've gone on three cards interviews thus far, and done the majority of the distant traveling that i'll need to do. it's tough. very competitive. and traveling is expensive. sucks when you travel far for an interview, for a very short time, with less of a chance of getting in, since programs seem to prefer local candidates. but i'm so thankful for the interviews i've gotten. if i match somewhere, i'll be happy.

i've actually been able to make my interview trips worth it regardless of where i end up, though, bc i got to see my brother, my nephew, my sister, sonyong, and eric yang so far! not bad at all.

anyways, i am very sore today, after running 4 miles yesterday. the last time i ran this much was about 10 months ago. i get inspired by a nice sunny, breezy day. well, i need to lose weight. my clothes are all tight, and my interview suit threatens not to fit. so for the first time in my life, i'm counting calories, and it's so burdensome. very depressing. so i've concluded (which i knew experientially in the past), that there's no way i'm going to lose weight unless i start exercising more regularly. impossible. i will simply go nuts if i can't eat more calories. i've TRIED to stay under 1500 for only two days, and it's killing me. experientially, i've always lost weight by exercising more, bc i HATE feeling restricted in what i eat. i like the freedom to eat what i want, and usually when i start exercising regularly, my cravings become healthier. but schedule-wise, i can't seem to exercise regularly, so over the last year or so, i've probably gained 10-15 pounds! yikes. no wonder everything's tight!!

anyways, it's hard for me to run regularly on a treadmill. i get bored, whereas outside along the river, on a nice day, i can run for a good while very happily. so...i think i need to move back to california. or israel.

my brother is now a proud daddy, and i have a brand new baby nephew!

wow, time is flying by. is it already so far into december? i'm behind on my application. struggling to bang out the rest of my personal statement. am in the intensive care unit this month, and i have the misfortune of being sick with a cold. have been dealing with a chronic cough for some time now, but towards the end of last week, hit with a virus or something, congested, stuffed head, exhausted with minimal exertion. thank goodness this was my golden weekend, but i'm still fatigued. don't know how i'm going to get through the week. all i want to do is sleep. and food has no taste. tragedy of tragedies. boohoo.

anyway, i'm a total sympathy-monger when i'm sick. i crave tons of sympathy. sad, i know, but true. just i feel so crappy. and sudafed does nothing to clear my sinuses. and coffee doesn't seem to have any power to rouse me.

something very troubling to me is that one of the patients i'm caring for at present in the ICU is my clinic patient. i've known her since intern year, and i don't like taking care of her in the ICU setting. just, she's quite sick, and has many many many medical problems, and i just feel terribly responsible for her, and it clouds my judgment, makes it difficult to be objective, and i fear she won't do well. at the same time, i can't pass her care off to another resident. i could, but i don't think that's right. well, it probably sounds silly, but it's new and unsettling to me to have one of my patients in the ICU...

anyways, gotta get moving on my essay. needs to be finished today. my deadline. am already behind schedule.

want to sleeeeeeeep....

it was "smokeout day" in philly a couple of days ago. a day designated to encourage smokers to quit. in fact, my clinic patient that day announced to me that she'd finally quit smoking three days ago. i was quite proud of her.

thank goodness i never picked up smoking. have i said this before? i've got a bit of an addictive personality, and i'm pretty certain i'd be a chain smoker with no hope of ever quitting.

i've another bad habit in my life. to call it a habit is not quite right, but it's similar. unhealthy, i see that it is, and yet i can't seem to stop.

it takes something like seven unsuccessful attempts on average for someone to quit smoking for good. we coach our patients and tell them that if they quit and relapse (smoking, drugs, whatever), not to be discouraged, but that it's part of breaking the cycle of addiction. so each time they muster the strength to quit, even if they fail, they are closer to breaking out of the cycle once and for all. we also encourage them to use tactics like telling everyone they know, that they are quitting smoking--friends, co-workers, family, etc, and let peer pressure and accountability work to reinforce a good resolution. and other stuff like support hotlines, setting a firm quit date, etc.

my patient who quit, i hope she stays quit for good. she's tried maybe twice before. she's motivated. i was getting a little discouraged myself, looking through her clinic progress notes, visit after visit, still smoking. we went through all the above and resources. but she was still unable to quit. and both she and i were frustrated. and then she just stopped smoking again.

anyways. i've also asked my patients what causes them to relapse. usually it's troubles. troubles at work/home, emotional strain, and they seek out the comforting cigarette. that and post-quitting weight gain crops up a lot too.

well. again, i'm glad i never started smoking. it's hard to quit.

saw the new 007 tonight with some friends. i say thumbs up. i was entertained. especially the opening chase scene. very cool. although, i have to say, i couldn't help laughing at how they spelled out the poker moves. i guess for those who've less a clue than i have about texas hold'em poker. my friend anish says i only approved of the new Bond because of his body. well, he's quite fit!

alrighty. two nights in a row staying up past 3am. last night, my friend's car broke down and we had to get it towed. well, now i know i need to get a set of jumper cables, and now i know how to use them.

ps, my intern gave me a copy of the new Killers CD, and i like. i'm completely starved for new music. i'm just out of it, and need people to hand me cds to listen to. so it's nice ot have something new to listen to.

okay, g'night.

have decided to apply for cardiology. took me a while to arrive at a decision, and to start the process, but here we go. we'll see what happens. in the end, i like it the best. despite how my personality profile doesn't quite fit the classic stereotypical cardiologist at all.

so, yes. i'm applying now, to sign up for yet an additional 3 years of post-graduate training! maybe when i'm 50, i'll be done training. meanwhile, everyone else has income-earning professions, and is married and having their first kids. hm...life is often not how i would have planned it. but i have nothing to complain about. and i've really loved my years training at temple. have made some wonderful friends here. i love our housestaff. quality.

in any case, i'm again facing more decisions in the midst of applying for fellowship. decisions for what i should do next year, where i should be, etc. i'm not sure at the moment, what i want to do for the (hopefully just on year) time between completing residency and starting fellowship. what kind of job do i want? where do i want to be located geographically? need to sit down and think it over. but fellowship apps take precedence, and still i find myself busy at work, even when on elective.

boring, i know. sorry bout that. i read two books lately. the Kite Runner, bc so many people recommended it. i don't know, it was good. but i didn't love it. and the darker/sadder parts left me feeling blechy on the inside. the other book is steinbecks' east of eden. never read it before, but i like steinbeck's writing. his characters are just drawn so well and their setting has just the right amount of grit. anyways. i'm no great reader. if i'm lucky, i read three or four non-medical books a year (sad, huh...). but the authors i know i like and have read include hemingway, austen, and steinbeck. classics. but good.

bye now. ps, one thing i'd like in the next year, is to learn some proper spanish. i speak a decent pidgin medical spanish, but i'd like to gain some proper fluency. that'd make me happy. pps, i've gotten fat as a pig. treadmill is in intermittent use, but i must just be eating too much. my clothes are all tight. sheesh. disgusting.

gotta get away from philly. just if you are here too long, it gets stifling. there's something about the population, people just never leave. i think it's a midwestern thing. i don't know, can't remember if i felt as restless in manhattan. i don't think so, but then again, i was only living in the city for two years.

so my last overseas trip was to iceland, which was over a year ago. and i'm itching to get away. time and money. always the constraining factors. actually, time and money, and someone to travel with. anyways, am hoping to do an overseas elective in india. bangalore maybe. i'd like to see goa--islands.

life as a third year is better. finally feel more comfortable on the floors, have more free time on the whole. this month, i'm on an elective, trying to get my fellowship apps underway, and taking care of stuff i've been neglecting, like seeing the dentist.

nothing new to report. boring once in three months entry.

have been submerged so long, it feels weird popping up and posting an entry.

i've made my largest financial investment yet: treadmill.
it's huge. remember, i live in a little studio apartment. so this monstrous treadmill pretty much occupies the entire room. but it's fantastic. multiple people don't get why i've spent a pretty penny on a treadmill rather than a gym membership. they also don't get why a treadmill and not an elliptical, since one can run outside for free. my answer is, i had a gym membership when i was in nyc, and it was too much of a pain for lazy me to walk there regularly. and, i can't do ellipticals. i do'nt know why. something about my equilibrium. i dislike the motion. but it would have been a space-saver compared to this treadmill.

anyways, i forsee great danger for my treadmill--getting dusty, having books and journals stacked on the belt, clothes hanging on the armrails. so to keep this from happening, i'm going to hang a calendar to keep track of which days i run and how far, and hang a big sign with $$$ on it, to remind me that a sizable chunk of my income was used so that i'd get regular exercise.

well, that's the plan. we'll see.

the photos i've put up are of these salt flats in bolivia. i first saw a photo of them in the nytimes travel section several years ago. then they popped up on that website, wherethehellismatt. if you haven't checked it out, take a minute to watch his dancing video. it's just gorgeous, all the places. i'm itching to go somewhere. sad that i spent so much $$ on the treadmill, that i could have spent on a trip somewhere, but i desperately need to exercise.

on the other hand, i'm very excited for dave. guess i can live vicariously. have a safe trip diva!