Listening to High by the cure, and its been a long, long time since Ive heard this song. A happy cure song. Am listening to it on my computer, on realplayer. Ive just moved a second load of my junk out of this apt and over to my parents house. My room feels much less cluttered, and it feels good to have it stripped down to the essentials. And, its pretty nice that I can still listen to music and watch dvds via my computer, even though my little boombox and tv are gone.

While moving out, Im simultaneously trying to pack up my backpacking bag for the Uganda trip. Im exploring whether its possible for me to pack for 6 weeks in the one bag, and learning that Im unwilling to. Im going to have to take a duffle bag or something. My enormous check list of things that need to get done before I leave, both for the trip, and for graduating and vacating, is starting to look shorter and more manageable. A good thing. Most importantly, I finally have the plane tickets in hand, and most of my vaccinations are finishedyellow fever, meningococcus, typhoid, hepatitis A, hepatitis B, polio booster. I need to make a mini-first aid pack to take w/ me.

This year has flown by. I actually wrote this longish entry back after the new year, after all the interviewing, and all, and then my computers hard drive crashed and had to be replaced. And, I failed to back up my files, and so they were lost. Sad. Goodness, I was really fuming at the time, and stressed out. I love computers, and all they can do for you, but when something goes wrong, its such a nightmare. All you have to stare at is that awful blue screen. Ugh. Shiver.

So anyway, those thoughts were lost too. I think it was mostly stressing out about the future anyway. Thoughts brought on by having to answer all these future-related questions on the interview trail (what do you see yourself doing in ten years?), having to examine my past and put it together and present it as making sense, having direction, building up to something, and the whole start of a new year. 2004. man, I have brain damage, or something, bc I just cant seem to catch up to what year it is. Its 2004! Sooner than soon, it will be 2005, and thats halfway into the decade!

Now, match is a mere 4 days away. Yikes.

Ive just finished my four-week elective with the department of health, bureau of communicable diseases. Its interesting stuff. I enjoyed my little stint there. What I worked on actually had a research edge to it, bc we did a case-control study on this outbreak. I havent done clinical medical research before, so it was interesting. You exercise a different part of your brain, a different sort of thinking thats involved. A little bit more problem-solving and analytical. Not that practicing medicine isnt, but its a little different, more concrete, maybe? It felt good, and it was kind of fun to think about what needed to be done to do a good study, figure out inclusion, exclusion criteria, etc, in addition to thinking about what was feasible with our resources. And actually doing the chart review, I now understand why its important to have things randomized and double-blinded. Its pretty challenging to be really honest with your work. Not that you intentionally cheat, but just that in your head, if its not blinded, you realize that this is a control or a case, and have some assumptions about them in your mind. It can just bias you, thats all.

Anyway. I really liked the people I got to work with. They were all very friendly and intelligent. A nice work environment. And its got an interesting political side to things. And its exciting to hear about outbreaks here and there, and what they do when it happens. Its like, Ive sort of seen the other side of thingsfrom the hospitals, and I know they report certain diseases, but now I got to see what happens once a disease is reported. Which was kind of neat.

The experience basically just confused me more about what kind of career Im aiming for. Confused, confused. And not just what kind of career, but also how important is career to me. And then to what extend do I think I need to be serving God with my careers work. Do I feel okay having a cush private practice, being a good doctor to my patients, and thats enough? Not sure. Certainly seems like its missing something in there, but then again. Where does service come in? I kind of feel like its supposed to be in all aspects of your life, not just your work. Or like, I dont know, I think of henry, and how he works at his job, and serves diligently at church. That seems right and good. I dont know. Ive talked about this a tiny bit w/ a couple of people, and maybe its the Stanford in us, or the young idealist in us, but its hard to shake that feeling of, arent we supposed to be changing the world in some way? And then a part of me feels that its in line w/ the gospel too, were supposed to be taking part in changing this world. But how? And how much? And through career? Family? Church? All?

Anyways. Why is life so confusing? And it just gets more and more complicatedonce you get married, once you have kids, once your parents get older, once your kids get older, etc, etc. part of me believes that in the end, your career is just a job, unless you have a very very special career, where your career is sort of your life, rather than just a job. But for most careers, your jobs just a job, where you do a good job, work hard, earn a living, and then your family and life and church outside of work is your real life. I dont know, wasnt Jesus a carpenter? So that was just a job, right?

I actually think that this guy, dr. s, is sort of a good example. Hes an internist, and I know him from a small group. But basically, hes got a private practice, but also volunteers regularly at this medical mission in the city, and is involved in their start-up clinic. It sounds like a small thing, but its actually a huge thing hes doing.

Well, I have no idea how much primary care, or how much public health, or research, or education, will be mixed in w/ my career. I dont even know that much about public health, and I know even less about international health. I kind of wish I could have a little bit of all, but thats impossible.

I guess one thing that continues to bug me, though, is that I still feel like Im supposed to do something with what Ive seen. I mean, that the extent of health needs going unmet, that Ive seen, doesnt witnessing it and being in this privileged place in society hold me responsible to do something about it? And I guess I will, the question is how much?

Anyway, the other thing Ive concluded (I think), is that that ideal job that Im envisioning, is sort of a myth. Sure, I can find a job that will be interesting, and challenging, and helping people, but it will be lacking something. Whether in scope of impact, or how long it takes to see the impact your having, or it will be interesting only some of the time, etc. and that even the greatest of jobs, unless I make it my life, will still, in the end, just be a job. I dont know, thats what I think right now.

In other news, today, I went to get soup from the soup nazi. Yummy! You know, the seinfeld soup nazi. Hes based on this guy who has a soup shop, called soup kitchen international, on west 55th. And its just like the seinfeld episode. Pretty funny. Theres the line, everyones kind of serious, the soup has this incredible reputation, some people get bread, some dont, AND, the soup is really quite delicious. On first spoonful, I was kind of like, eh, whats all the noise about? But w/ successive bites, the flavor gets richer, and its really very good. I had the Mexican chicken chili. Id love to try the lobster bisque, which is the one everyone raves madly about. Id say that my soup today was very good, but maybe not deserving of the incredible fame this guys soup has in the city. BUT, it was good, and I wonder how the bisque and his other more famous soups, like the turkey gumbo are. I have a feeling that theyre as good as people say.

Ps, I was happy, bc apparently some people dont get all the goodies w/ the soup, but I got the bread, chocolate, the grapes and strawberries, a banana, and a little thing of sour cream stuff to go w/ my chili. And I was happy bc now Ive tried the soup nazi soup. Soup season ends soon, and plus Im leaving soon, so I was kind of intent on having some soup nazi soup.

Alrighty. I should probably sleep so I can get up for church tomorrow. Good thing church starts at 10.30 now.